What we were
by Angsty Glowstick
Summary: A disordered collection of Remus' memories of Sirius Black over the years. Will contain RLSB slash in some parts. Rating may go up later. DISCONTINUED SORRY
1. Forgotten

**What we were**

**Warnings: **This fic will contain slash. But not any type of slash. It will have the yummilicious type of slash that only pairings such as Remus x Sirius can induce. Be warned.

**Summary: **A disordered collection of Remus' memories of Sirius Black over the years.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. Really.

**Author notes: **This is the first part of what will hopefully become a series. I hope you enjoy reading it. (:

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_I._

"Sirius?" a voice resounded around the walls of the small room, but the addressed figure did not look up from his hunched position. Gloomy grey eyes, devoid of any life, were drilling holes into the scratched wooden flooring with a sharp gaze. Remus could barely see what he knew were pale, sunken features, but it was not only because of the dim light. Flowing black hair that was painfully much longer than a happy Sirius would have let it grow into fell in the way to obscure a proper view. Remus' felt his fingers twitch as he resisted the temptation to push the strands away and bring up the face of the other to look into his. Instead, he sat near, but not close to, the other man and asked the only thing he could.

"What's wrong?"

A dull, humorless laugh was the first answer he received, before Sirius said quietly, "_What's wrong_? You did not fail in amusing me, Moony."

Remus, however, was not at all in the mood for such things himself. He sighed and rephrased his meaning, "Correction: what is bothering you now?"

"Again, you—"

"Sirius," Remus suddenly snapped, knowing what he was about to get for a reply, "You know very well what I mean."

For a short while, no response was heard. Remus was contemplating leaving his—what was Sirius to him anymore? What were _they_ anymore? Friends? Ex-lovers? Reunited soul-mates with new differences? Or were _they_ nothing significant at all, each merely using the other when in need of comfort or for convenience?— well, leaving the _other_ alone when Sirius spoke in a choked whisper, his body tense.

"I don't remember."

Confusion engulfed Remus.

"What are you—?"

The worn out werewolf stopped mid sentence when Sirius sprang to his feet, unshed tears glittering in the moonlight behind his dark lashes. Remus distinctly realized that he must have uttered something wrong, if it been the cause of the last straw for the other man to break. Oh god, now Sirius was glaring at _him_. His eyes held pain and what could have been offense that the other occupant of the room failed to collect meaning from a sentence that, to him, must have been like pouring out his heart and soul.

"That's just it, Remus!" his voice was fragile and shook with underlying emotion, "I don't remember. The thoughts that have held all that was important were wrenched-forcefully-out-of-me" his teeth were gritted as he said the last five words, "Part of the most precious things that is all I have left from such a damned existence is no longer there." He moved forward and dropped at his knees in front of the nonchalant listener, taking his hands into a firm grip. "I don't remember Lily, Remus. I don't even remember James. I don't remember how they used to be like. I don't remember their wedding or how exactly I met my new-born godson." His voice was getting more urgent as he spoke. "I don't remember many things of my life back at school, and after. Remus, I hardly remember _us_."

There was a smacking noise and Sirius recoiled, his hand flying up to his stinging cheek. His body shook with adrenaline and exasperation as finally he allowed for his tears to run down his cheeks and neck to his collar in little rivulets.

"_IT'S NOT MY FAULT!_" he roared, much like a little child who was wrongly accused. His hands now moved to clutch at his hair in a death grip as his face scrunched up in aguish. When this didn't succeed in bringing forth a proper reaction from the golden-eyed man, he turned on his heel and left, banging the door shut behind him. Remus didn't even blink. He sat there, exterior as emotionless as it had been a minute ago when he had unjustly slapped Sirius. But his insides were too much of an emotional turmoil for there to be space for guilt.

For the first time ever, Remus truly realized the depth of what being imprisoned in an earthly hell had done to Sirius. He had known that the dementors had affected the black-haired man's memory, but he had not known it was _this bad_. His mind wandered to remind him of all the moments they had shared together when younger—the happiest moments of their miserable lives—and brought him to realize that now, these did not mean to Sirius what they meant to him. As his own emotions spilled forth silently in the form of liquid agony, Remus wished that he, too, would forget.

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Make me happy, and review—especially if you want this continued on. Please?


	2. Autumn

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter. Really.

**Author Notes: **Thank you all for your kind reviews! They motivate me to write more. Here's part two for you guys.

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_II._

The day was cool and had the autumn season crispiness about it. Four boys walked around that precise afternoon in the magical village of Hogsmeade, seeking freedom and peace of heart. This intention was greatly dampened, however, by one of them: a messy haired, be speckled boy.

"… and one day, that one beautiful Lily Evans _will_ realize just what a _charming_, _handsome_, _wondrous_, _amazing_, and generally _highly suitable_ lad I am. Then she will fall head over heels for me and we will get married and bring many babies into this world and live happily ever after." James finished his ever infamous speech and sighted dreamily, gazing off into the horizon as though lost in thought.

Sirius bit down hard on his tongue to keep himself from saying anything while Remus gave a weary sigh as they shared a look. Peter, in an astonishing feat, seemed to hang on to every word being said, looking extremely engrossed even though he, as well as the two others, knew it all word for word by heart. Remus didn't know whether Peter was just putting up a show or if he really found James' rambling worth listening to. Sirius and he, himself, had stopped humoring their lovesick friend a long time ago, after all.

"I mean, she can't just resist me forever!" James randomly started yet again, now sounding frustrated, "There must be something wrong here. Maybe I'm not asking her out enough?"

Peter mumbled a, "Maybe," as he continued to listen. Remus felt a grip on his arm and turned to see Sirius holding him back as James and Peter walked on, oblivious.

"This is getting terribly boring. I bet he will start 'The Speech' again in a few moments. I can't take this anymore!" Sirius told him.

"Well, we're walking with him, so we're going to have to put up with it. Either that or we tell him to shut the hell up and try to steer the conversation away to something remotely more interesting." Remus replied, though inside he greatly sympathized. Sirius shook his head.

"No."

"No?"

"No. Come with me," Sirius flashed him a grin and started moving away. Remus stared from the retreating forms of James and Peter to Sirius'. He quickly made his decision and followed his dark-haired friend only to have a voice stop him mid-stride after he had taken a few steps.

"Hey! Where are you two going?"

Remus hesitated but Sirius was gesturing him over. He ran to where his friend was waiting and looked back over his shoulder as he did so. James and Peter were standing some way away, looking utterly confused. Not paying attention to where he was going had its consequences: he almost collided with Sirius head-on but the other's hands on his chest and then on his shoulders did their job of stopping and then steadying him from falling over. Sirius was still grinning, his eyes now fixed on their other two friends.

"See you later!" he called to them, waving, before he grabbed Remus' hand and ducked to the nearest alley.

Behind them, they could hear a shouted, "Wait!" and pounding footsteps but they did not stop. They ran, still clutching hands, until their hearts pounded in their throats and their bodies screamed for them to slow. But they didn't. They gasped in their air supply as they continued sprinting on, seeing blurs. Finally, unable to move anymore, they came upon a field in the outskirts of the village and stopped, both kneeling over as they panted, willing their heart beats to regulate. Remus closed his eyes with his hands on his knees and tried to stop his head from spinning as he gulped in great amounts of sharply fresh oxygen. A stunned gasp, however, made him look up and he stared in awe.

In all his haste to calm down his system and replenish the air in his lungs, he has missed noticing his surroundings. They were, simply, breathtaking. Beneath their feet was overgrown grass, pleasantly bleached in some areas by the season, though it was only visible in places: most of the ground was covered with brittle leaves of all sizes, dyed in extravagant shades by the artist that was autumn. A single tree stood some feet away in all its golden glory with a giant trunk and scarcely populated branches raised high, proudly, to the blue heavens. Under it heaps of leaves resided, whispering in the slight wind. The sun shone down on the scene, sending glittering rays for highlight. Nevertheless, being caught in the moment did not stop Remus from _sensing _the grin that was slowly widening on his friend's face.

"_FUN_!" Sirius screeched and dived headfirst into a heap of leaves under the tree.

He rolled about in it and laughed as his hands flailed, sending leaves showering in every direction. Remus couldn't help but laugh along, finding the other's delight highly contagious. He followed his friend's example, though at a much slower pace, and soon they were play wrestling and flattening what used to be small mountains of leaves. Their laugher mixed and became one melodic sound. In their wrestle match, Sirius managed to pin Remus and smiled devilishly down at him. Before the golden-eyed boy could register that he should probably be worried he found himself screaming out in forced laughter as he was tickled mercilessly.

"Sirius! Stop…!" Remus struggled under the other boy as he burst into another bout of laughter, "Y-you… evil you! You know—I'm tick-ticklish!"

But Sirius only chuckled along and continued on his torture. Just when Remus thought he might actually die if this didn't stop, Sirius jumped up and out of reach, looking wildly alive.

"Want revenge? Come and get me!" He called before turning around and running away.

Not to be outdone, the still-giddy Remus jumped up and shouted playful warnings to his friend as he followed at the fastest pace he could. No matter how quick he was, Sirius still had had a head start and he couldn't catch up. In his dash to do so he stumbled over his own feet and roughly twisted his left ankle as he fell forward with a _thump_. His head swam in pain and moments later he found himself being gently turned over to look up into worried grey eyes, all thoughts of revenge forgotten.

"Moony, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Remus tried to smile without wincing, "Think I sprained my ankle…"

"Oh. Does it hurt a lot?" Sirius looked really concerned.

_Are you daft? Of course it hurts a lot, _Remus found himself thinking but said, "Nothing to worry about, Padfoot. Madame Pompfrey could fix it up in seconds." He tried to get up as he spoke, but flinched when his left foot pressed lightly to the ground and settled for a seated position instead, "Now what?" he asked.

"I… can carry you back to the castle?" Sirius suggested uncertainly.

"No way. Are you crazy? I'm too heavy and the way back is long."

"Oh come on!" Sirius suddenly looked determined, "You, heavy? Oh please. Let me give it a try." He winked and flexed his muscles under his shirt as though to prove his point.

Remus quickly agreed, but only to try and hide his blush. Sirius squatted before him, giving a commanded, "Hop on my back!" Though dubious, Remus didn't bother arguing and just did as told. The other boy stood straight back up in surprising strength and speed with a nervous Remus clinging with all his four limbs to his back. Sirius grinned at him over his shoulder before starting to walk at a swift pace. What started out as a promisingly short journey back to Hogwarts quickly became lagged and laborious. Sirius was soon puffing out his breath, his pace becoming increasingly slower.

"Goddamn," he gasped, "You sure become heavy after a while."

Remus couldn't resist rolling his eyes even though the other couldn't see, "Put me down, Sirius. Now."

Reluctantly, the black-haired boy did as told, lowering Remus carefully to the ground.

"_Now _what?" he asked.

"I still have a foot I can walk on, you know. All you need to do is support me so that I won't have to use my sprained one—at least not a lot." Remus let his eyes meet Sirius', "Please."

He needn't ask twice: the other boy was immediately at his side, hauling him up to stand on his good foot and supporting most of Remus' weight by wrapping an arm around his waist and letting him lean fully into his side. Sirius smiled softly when their eyes met once more.

"You okay?"

Remus only nodded and they began their trip back to their school again. After a short while, he remembered something.

"Wait a minute. What about James and Peter? Should we not find them first?"

"_Moony_. You're injured, for god's sake. I'm sure they can manage on their own."

Again, Remus nodded, and let his head fall to rest on his friend's shoulder as they slowly moved forward. He felt relieved when Sirius didn't seem to mind, his strong arm merely tightening its hold around him. Contentment filled Remus' heart, the effect of which was only slightly ruined by his throbbing ankle.

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**End Notes: **Pompfrey. Is that how you spell it? If not, then forgive me. I'm too lazy and tired to look it up. (: I do hope that you liked this one; I sure had a lot of "_FUN_!" writing it! Also, please do not be expectant that I update quickly. I am busy at times and uninspired at others. However, I will try to do my best.

Drop me a review!


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